


Dry Clean Only

by thescholasticskipper



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Bad Weather, David Rose is Not Pleased, E-mail, Epistolary, M/M, Meteorologists, Patrick Brewer is a Troll, Patrick Brewer is a Weatherman, Weather
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 21:21:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28963077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thescholasticskipper/pseuds/thescholasticskipper
Summary: Patrick Brewer is a local news weatherman and David Rose is not particularly fond of, well, really, anything about him. Especially annoying is Patrick's inability to correctly predict the weather. He feels the need to send a strongly worded message to the station.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 38
Kudos: 155





	Dry Clean Only

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when you procrastinate from actual work that needs to get done and from writing another story you're stuck on.
> 
> Thank you to my squad for the discussion that inspired this ridiculous story and some basic plot points. 
> 
> And to the random article floating around recently that compared Patrick to a weatherman (who only very minorly resembles Noah Reid).
> 
> Much appreciation to [DesignatedGrape](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DesignatedGrape/pseuds/DesignatedGrape) for giving me links to skin help (and lots of just general writing help!) and thanks to [La_Temperanza](https://archiveofourown.org/users/La_Temperanza/pseuds/La_Temperanza) for writing the e-mail tutorial.
> 
> And as always, big thanks to my friends who always offer the best encouragement!
> 
> This is unbeta'd entirely, so I claim all errors and typos.

From: thedavidr@gmail.com

Subject: Poor Weather Predictions

To: news@cechlocal19.ca

Dear CECH weather team,

I am writing to request that your team please work on more accurately predicting the weather. I watch your 11pm news broadcast each night and base my clothing selection off your weatherman’s report for the next day. I think his name is Peter Brown or something. I noticed he wears some really horrible mid-range jeans. Maybe you should pay your employees better so he can afford a proper wardrobe for being on TV. Anyways, he has been VERY wrong lately and I have made some VERY incorrect choices based on what he said and I do not appreciate that. Please do better. 

Sincerely, David R. 

From: news@cechlocal19.ca

Subject: Re: Poor Weather Predictions

To: thedavidr@gmail.com

Dear David R.,

Thank you for watching CECH news at 11! We always strive to make the most accurate predictions based off of our weather modeling tools and calculations. Our 11pm news meteorologist, Patrick Brewer, is a highly qualified weather professional and uses the most up-to-date information he has available to make his weather predictions. We hope you will continue to watch CECH news at 11! 

Regards, CECH Elm County Local 19 News Team 

From: thedavidr@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Re: Poor Weather Predictions

To: news@cechlocal19.ca

Dear CECH News Team,

Please forward this email directly to the weather people again. I am still upset about the lack of correct weather predictions! Seriously, how hard is it to say it will be grey and cloudy for 4 days in a row? Stop getting my hopes up for some sunshine. Also, this guy’s clothing selection is still atrocious. Was there a buy 3, get 2 free sale at Mark’s Work Wearhouse on blue button-ups this week? I would also like to know if it was necessary to bring a real sportsball bat thing on Monday’s broadcast to show he was “really going to hit it out of the park” this week? I don’t know what that means, I don’t play cricket.

Yours in Disgust, David R. 

From: news@cechlocal19.ca

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poor Weather Predictions

To: thedavidr@gmail.com

Dear David R.,

Thank you for continuing to watch CECH news at 11! We have forwarded some of your concerns to our weatherman, Patrick Brewer. I would like to remind you that we do use state-of-the-art weather modeling programs to predict weather pattern changes, however it is never perfect. 

Regards, CECH Elm County Local 19 News Team 

From: thedavidr@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor Weather Predictions

To: news@cechlocal19.ca

Dear CECH Weather,

I expect and demand perfection!!! I don’t understand how someone you call a “highly qualified weather professional” could be wrong so many times, one after the other, consecutively, in a row. Yesterday he said it was going to be sunny today and it poured rain all damn day!!! How is it even possible to be that incorrect??? I wore my cashmere Saint Laurent today and now it is a soggy ruined mess!!! I’d like to send this Patrick Brewer guy my dry cleaning bill. I insist that he is responsible for paying it. Should I forward a copy to this email or does he have a direct one I could use? If there was another news and weather report available on this crappy motel TV, I’d most certainly be watching that instead. 

Yours in Anger, David R. 

From: pbrewer@cechlocal19.ca

Subject: Your Weather Concerns

To: thedavidr@gmail.com

Dear David,

This is Patrick Brewer, your CECH meteorologist. I heard from our social media team that you have some concerns with my weather forecasting skills and my wardrobe. I can assure you that I have taken some of your recommendations into consideration. 

Please understand that while we as meteorologists make our best educated guesses for what the weather will be, we cannot actually control it. 

Kind Regards, Patrick Brewer, Chief Meteorologist, CECH Elm County Local 19 News Team 

From: thedavidr@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Your Weather Concerns

To: pbrewer@cechlocal19.ca

Attached:  cleaningbill.pdf (4 MB) 

Dear Patrick,

You’re either very rude or extremely sure of yourself. What is the deal with the end of your segment this week? “This is Patrick Brewer, your highly qualified weather professional, signing off!” Is this some sort of sick joke???

Where can I send a request for Elm County to get a second local station??? I think you need some healthy competition in your life.

Can you please buy some new clothing already? I need you to know that your entire on-air persona is being dragged down by these awful pieces that look like they came in a ten-pack. How could anyone possibly own that many blue shirts and pairs of crappy Target jeans? Your appearance is important! Your entire job is to be seen!!! That braided belt is just downright bad and cheap looking. My eyes are starting to burn from seeing so many items from the clearance rack every night.

I’m also forwarding my dry cleaning bill to you from the last time. You should just be glad that designer garments are crafted with such high quality materials and my sweater wasn’t completely ruined.

Yours in Outrage, David R. 

From: pbrewer@cechlocal19.ca

Subject: Re: Re: Your Weather Concerns

To: thedavidr@gmail.com

Dear David,

Thank you again for your suggestions. I’m glad you noticed my new sign-off line, and I’d like to thank you profusely for inspiring it. I’ve been looking for a signature tagline for a while and this one just feels right. 

While I’d like to think that some “healthy competition” would help me up my weather game, I’m not sure that Elm County has the necessary population to support another local news channel.

In regards to my appearance and my wardrobe, if you feel so strongly about it, I was wondering if you would be willing to offer any tips on how to upgrade my closet? I am always looking for ways to improve and would appreciate any recommendations you can offer.

Lastly, please let me know where to forward the $12.98 I owe you. I’m grateful your sweater is still intact, I doubt I could afford to replace it.

Kind Regards, Patrick Brewer, Chief Meteorologist, CECH Elm County Local 19 News Team 

From: thedavidr@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Your Weather Concerns

To: pbrewer@cechlocal19.ca

Dear Patrick,

I would be happy to help you enhance your look because it is seriously embarrassing at this point. I feel like someone with the title of “Chief Meteorologist” should really have a more professional wardrobe - have you considered blazers at all? I feel like that would really “up your game”, as you put it.

Please forward the money to my attention at the Rosebud Motel in Schitt’s Creek. Thank you.

Sincerely, David R. 

From: pbrewer@cechlocal19.ca

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your Weather Concerns

To: thedavidr@gmail.com

Dear David,

I took your advice and went shopping in Elmdale this past weekend and was able to find a navy blazer that was not on the clearance rack. I hope you found my new apparel for this week to your liking and that your eyes are no longer burning.

I’ll be in the area later this evening and I’ll pop by the motel with the cash. It would be nice to put a face to the name of my one very strongly opinionated viewer.

Kind Regards, Patrick Brewer, Chief Meteorologist, CECH Elm County Local 19 News Team 

David R.  
  
It was nice to finally meet you, David.  
  
you too. thanks for the dry cleaning money.  
  
You’re welcome. Thanks for the wardrobe help again.  
  
glad you finally put on a blazer. it was about time.  
  
Do you think it works?  
  
yeah. definitely an improvement, though your overall look could still use more help.  
  
Any chance you’d be willing to offer me that styling help?  
  
uh, sure. fortunately, i am a very generous person.  
  
Care to accompany me on a shopping expedition tomorrow?  
  
only if you never call it a shopping expedition again  
  
Okay, David. I’ll pick you up at 9?  
  
no, absolutely not. preferably not before 10am, i’m not really a morning person.  
  
That works. I’ll see you at 10:30. Thank you, David.  
  
sure, see you tomorrow, patrick.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I am ever so appreciative of your kudos and kind comments!
> 
> Come visit me on [tumblr](https://thescholasticskipper.tumblr.com/) if you want to say hi!


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